First the revelation. Vincent Van Gogh didn't wear sunglasses. At least not after he cut off his ear. How do I know this? The other day, I got in my car and grabbed my sunglasses out of the cup holder thingy between the front seats. One of the ear pieces dropped off and fell somewhere between the seats. So, for the last couple days, I've been driving around wearing sunglasses that only have one ear piece. And every time I scratch my nose, hit a bump, or reach under my glasses to rub an eye, the darn things fall off. Sunglasses require two ears and one nose, or they just don't work right. I guess I'll need to get a new pair.
Now the confession. They say that confession is good for the soul, and since I'm feeling kind of guilty, I figured I'd 'fess up, hoping it would help. Today during my lunch hour, I shoplifted from Goodwill. Yes, I can hear you gasp in dismay, because I know you didn't picture me as a shoplifter, right? Well, here's the story.
After I'd been wandering around Goodwill for a good part of my lunch hour, I thought it was high time I checked out and headed back to work. I put my "treasures" on the counter, paid for them, and wheeled my cart away. When I grabbed my bags out of the cart, I realized there was still an item in the cart I forgot to pay for--this leaded glass panel.
I guess because it was mostly see-thru and I had my reading glasses on while checking out--and can't see much at a distance with them--I just didn't see the panel was still in the cart. When I realized my error, I looked back at the checkstand and noted several people in line--I knew I'd never have time to go back through the line and buy the glass panel and still get back to work on time. So, yep, I stole it. I'm a criminal. Next time I go to Goodwill, though, I'll be sure to give them a $3 donation--the price of the panel--so I can feel better about myself. Has anything like this ever happened to you?
Finally, a correction. Remember my story about the near-homicide by golf cart when brother-in-law #1 was nearly murdered by brother-in-law #2? Well, one of my sisters-in-law--the only one who shares DNA with the brothers-in-law involved--requested a retraction. As we learned the day after my story was published, brother-in-law #2 wasn't the one driving the golf cart. His friend was. My sister-in-law didn't want me to make the family look bad.
So, to recap. Brothers-in-law #1 and #2 and the good friend of brother-in-law #2 were playing golf in a YOUTH GROUP FUNDRAISER, under the influence of ALCOHOL, and DRIVING golf carts around. Brother-in-law #1 got run over by a golf cart driven by brother-in-law #2's close friend. That makes it much better, doesn't it? Brother-in-law #1 was an innocent victim, and brother-in-law #2 was simply a passenger. I'm seeing a lawsuit here--for the physical injuries to brother-in-law #1 and the emotional distress inflicted upon brother-in-law #2 when he witnessed his friend run over his brother. Then there's the poor design of the golf course. If you're going to build a golf course, you shouldn't build one with hills you can't see over when driving because you never know who you might run over. And I think there's also a possible problem with the golf cart itself--in either its design or maintenance--that caused the accident to occur.
Too bad my brothers-in-law are now exonerated from criminal stupidity. 'Cause I was thinking that with my shoplifting at Goodwill, I'd fit into the family quite nicely now!