Saturday, August 30, 2008

A Revelation, A Confession, and A Correction

First the revelation. Vincent Van Gogh didn't wear sunglasses. At least not after he cut off his ear. How do I know this? The other day, I got in my car and grabbed my sunglasses out of the cup holder thingy between the front seats. One of the ear pieces dropped off and fell somewhere between the seats. So, for the last couple days, I've been driving around wearing sunglasses that only have one ear piece. And every time I scratch my nose, hit a bump, or reach under my glasses to rub an eye, the darn things fall off. Sunglasses require two ears and one nose, or they just don't work right. I guess I'll need to get a new pair.

Now the confession. They say that confession is good for the soul, and since I'm feeling kind of guilty, I figured I'd 'fess up, hoping it would help. Today during my lunch hour, I shoplifted from Goodwill. Yes, I can hear you gasp in dismay, because I know you didn't picture me as a shoplifter, right? Well, here's the story.

After I'd been wandering around Goodwill for a good part of my lunch hour, I thought it was high time I checked out and headed back to work. I put my "treasures" on the counter, paid for them, and wheeled my cart away. When I grabbed my bags out of the cart, I realized there was still an item in the cart I forgot to pay for--this leaded glass panel.


I guess because it was mostly see-thru and I had my reading glasses on while checking out--and can't see much at a distance with them--I just didn't see the panel was still in the cart. When I realized my error, I looked back at the checkstand and noted several people in line--I knew I'd never have time to go back through the line and buy the glass panel and still get back to work on time. So, yep, I stole it. I'm a criminal. Next time I go to Goodwill, though, I'll be sure to give them a $3 donation--the price of the panel--so I can feel better about myself. Has anything like this ever happened to you?

Finally, a correction. Remember my story about the near-homicide by golf cart when brother-in-law #1 was nearly murdered by brother-in-law #2? Well, one of my sisters-in-law--the only one who shares DNA with the brothers-in-law involved--requested a retraction. As we learned the day after my story was published, brother-in-law #2 wasn't the one driving the golf cart. His friend was. My sister-in-law didn't want me to make the family look bad.

So, to recap. Brothers-in-law #1 and #2 and the good friend of brother-in-law #2 were playing golf in a YOUTH GROUP FUNDRAISER, under the influence of ALCOHOL, and DRIVING golf carts around. Brother-in-law #1 got run over by a golf cart driven by brother-in-law #2's close friend. That makes it much better, doesn't it? Brother-in-law #1 was an innocent victim, and brother-in-law #2 was simply a passenger. I'm seeing a lawsuit here--for the physical injuries to brother-in-law #1 and the emotional distress inflicted upon brother-in-law #2 when he witnessed his friend run over his brother. Then there's the poor design of the golf course. If you're going to build a golf course, you shouldn't build one with hills you can't see over when driving because you never know who you might run over. And I think there's also a possible problem with the golf cart itself--in either its design or maintenance--that caused the accident to occur.

Too bad my brothers-in-law are now exonerated from criminal stupidity. 'Cause I was thinking that with my shoplifting at Goodwill, I'd fit into the family quite nicely now!

9 comments:

Penni said...

I am very sorry that your sister-in-law was so embarrased by the family incident. The story is still hysterically funny, even the second time (my hubby agrees). You are starting to sound like my family. I have, in fact, had the "shoplifting" thing happen to me. I also have a pair of sunglasses in my car which, while they still have both ear pieces, they sit almost sideways on my face and are basically useless having been irrepairably damaged by my children. It always amazes me that I haven't replaced them in all this time. I think it's a memory issue. Thanks for the Saturday morning silly.

MichelleB said...

Too funny! And yes, I've gotten out of the store with things unpaid for in my cart. But I have to admit, nothing quite that big! LOL And your SIL? Trying to exonerate your BIL's? I think that's even funnier than the story!

Sis-in-law said...

LOL-Thanks for the correction. I need to protect my DNA as much as I can with mostly mem on my side of the family. It's hard work, but somebody has to do it.
And dont worry, I think there have been a lot of "accidental shoplifters" in the world. Including me.

ratherbquilting said...

LOL, sounds like my husband's side of the family! And I think we've all done the unintentional shoplifting thing...you'll make it right.

Quilt Hollow said...

Still great humor in the story and I still think a book deal should be in your future!

Linda said...

AFter your sil's comment the other day, I came so close to... expressing myself :D
I guess I will today! LOL CAn't help it!!
Who cares who ran into who and caused whatever damage.... they were DRINKING at a YOUTH GROUP fundraiser and being such WONDERFUL ADULT RELIGIOUS EXAMPLES to the YOUTH that were WATCHING and SEEING them... I CAN tell you right this second that if my child was a witness to their behavior #1 I would do my darndest to get them removed from ANY AND ALL further YOUTH AND CHURCH activities/places of authority! #2 I would be their worst freakin nightmare for EVER being such an example to CHILDREN! & YOUTH and my children/youths!! #3...... what if it had been one of the YOUTH run over!!! Smicken, smucken, smoooooooo!!! Gee... sometimes I would prefer criminal stupidity to JUST PLAIN FREAKIN STUPIDITY! Okay..... LOL POst this or not post this, I just HAD to get that off my chest!! :D
Thank you for letting me share! LOL

Sherry said...

I can so attest to the fact that Van Gogh didn't wear sunglasses. I had that same thing happen to me once & I loved those sunglasses but wore them while driving with one earpiece..hoping no one would notice...how "cockeyed" that feels! Finally a couple days later bought a new pair. The golfing story..omg! I'm just gonna say, cracked me up! Hope you're enjoying your Labor Day weekend!

Nan said...

Your "shoplifting" episode has happened to me, too - it's so embarassing, isn't it? I know you'll make it up to Goodwill - you probably already have! I don't wear sunglasses, since I already have glasses on my face, but my glasses have fallen apart just like that! Thank God for tape!!

Patti said...

Yep - been there, done that! It was a long time ago - the kids were preschoolers - and since I was home every day, young and full of energy I planted and tended a vegetable garden. I went to the store one day - needed carrot seeds and some nails. Picked up the seeds first and then went to get the nails. They were sold in bulk, so I needed two hands to pick them up and put them in the bag. I put the 20 cent pack of carrot seeds in my back pocket, and promptly forgot they were there. It wasn't until I was doing laundry and checking pockets that I discovered them!

The store is still in business all these years later, so I guess not getting my 20 cents didn't bankrupt them!