Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Some Nights Are Like That . . .

Some nights, you come home from work and you just want to take a

and put on your

And then you might want to order

and watch

while you eat. And to round out the evening, you'll very happily go to bed with

But just in case your blog readers might be getting bored with your lack of any kind of bloggable life, you decide you should leave them with something funny to read that a friend from work sent you (this would be a good time to swallow anything in your mouth)--

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, A Great Gift for the Wife

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. . . WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for only a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries. All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (pretty cute really, and loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries), thinking to myself, "NO possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad . . . . I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst" when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-%#&**%# . . . that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. (How did they up get there???) My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

* * * * *

(NOTE: The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking this sounds like one of Jace's stories!)


Lorraine said...

OMG! you set me up with the nice bath etc...then wham....LOL...I nearly peed my funny..only a guy could do that to himself....LOL....

Jeannie said...

OMG! That is so funny! Like Lorraine, I was reading along thinking what a nice evening you were having and maybe I would do the same tomorrow night and then WHAM! I was laughing so hard I had to take a potty break. Thanks, I needed a good laugh! Cheers.

Eileen said...

Ssure never know what you're going to read on this blog.

What a HOOT!

Hope you finally got a good bath and went to bed.

ratherbquilting said...

OMG, that was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! What a idiot. However, good thing he tased himself because it saved his wife the trouble when she opened that anniversary present.

Cheryl said...

OMW - I was laughing so hard I was crying. John was almost out the door to work when he heard me laughing and I couldn't even tell him why....I will have him read it later. Thanks for the great way to start my day :-)!!!!!!!!!

Rhondee said...

I really thank you for warning me to swallow whatever I had in my mouth because after reading this.....I surely would have spewed it all out on MY COMPUTER.....LOL.......great story. Take care.

Crazy for Primitive Quilts and Gardens said...

ROTFL... hilarious!

debijeanm said...

My eyes are still streaming! And I'm halfway through it thinking, "I have to send this to Jace! It's right up his alley." Thanks for getting my day off to a good start.

Su Bee said...

OMG - holy coffee-on-the-keyboard! Too hysterical! Are you sure Jace didn't write this? ROTFL - that mental video won't go away for awhile I think - LOL!!

Julia said...

Oh my goodness, that is the one of the funniest things that I have ever read. ROFLOL

Marcie said...

Kim, this is so funny! Where do you find this stuff? I think of you often when I read something I think you will enjoy!

Cowguy said...

Ah yes... the old "nipples on fire" thing. Been there done that one already, still got the flashbacks.

Oddly enough, with y'all associating me with this story, I used to sell these things when I was in the gun business. Your next question is "Did you try 'em out?" My answer... hesitantly is "yes". It was 2 days before I quit scraping my tongue on my front teeth and another 3 days before the Tourettes completely stopped.

Let me tell you sometime 'bout the self indulgence of pepper spray, just to test it you know.

Thanks for the laugh Kim. I like you. :-)


paula, the quilter said...

So I'm innocently sitting at work reading this during my lunch (thanks for the warning BTW) and I just could not contain myself! I was laughing so hard. Thank goodness there were no customers in the gallery: just me and the ghosts.

Purple Pam said...

Okay, I really thought that he would taz the cat, but when that didn't happen, I knew he would taz himself but that he wouldn't be able to let go until the batteries were dead. I wonder if he has found his lost items yet?

Really wild Kim. Laughing so hard that I could not stop, I thought while I was on the floor I would look around and see what I could find! No treasures found, just dust!

Barbie Jo said...

Your pizza looked awfully good Kim. I was getting so hungry I nearly got up to fetch a snack. And I'm so glad I waited until I finished reading your story! ROFLOL!

Marcie said...

Kim, I tried to copy and paste that story to print and show my husband, but it is locked in place, somehow. Did you set some control to do that? Just curious.