Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dear Ms. Manners:

I'm not sure what the "correct" thing to do is, so I thought I'd ask for some input from you.

My girl boss is getting married in a few weeks. I haven't been invited to the wedding. Do I get her a wedding gift?

This is kind of an awkward situation, it seems. We've worked together since last August and get along well--I like her. As the wedding date approaches, people in the office are asking me if I'm going to the wedding. Well, no. I'm aware that she's invited the firm's senior partners, so there's a little bit of talk about the event. I've also been asked whether I'm going to arrange a bridal shower--I really hadn't even thought about it until someone asked, but my knee jerk reaction is that if I haven't been invited to the wedding, it would be inappropriate for me to arrange an office bridal shower. The whole thing feels kind of weird, though. How would you handle it? Wedding gift? Office shower?

23 comments:

Su Bee said...

It's certainly appropriate to acknowledge it in some low-key way, and to arrange an office shower IF YOU'RE ASKED TO - but it sounds like the boundries have been set. IMHO you're a professional associate and not a girlfriend, so her GFs can worry about showers and stuff. You get to be the proud smiling Auntie - close but not that close!

dot said...

You were hired as an employee not a girlfriend. Eveidently she does not feel close enough to you to invite you to the wedding, I don't think it is your responsibility to organize a shower unless you are asked to by your employer.

Vicky said...

I would go ahead and plan a simple office shower for her, at the office. I think the gesture would be nice since you work for her, and yet it would keep it on a professional level. JMHO.

Caryn said...

If office showers are common in your office for weddings and babies (as they are in mine) and you are the one closest to her - arrange the office shower - if showers are not routinely done - don't. If she only invited the senior partners she may be limited to how many she can invite and feels that it would be inappropriate to invite some associates and staff and not others. As for a gift - if you arrange the shower does a joint gift go with that? Our office usually chips in and gets one large gift. I think that would cover it. Otherwise I would probably make her something - not a quilt! but maybe a pillow etc with her new monogram - something like that.

Eileen said...

Very good responces here already. The simple gift for her of something hand made. Like the pillow, seems right to me.

Maybe she didn't invite you because she didn't want you to have to give a big gift.

ratherbquilting said...

If she only invited the senior partners, then I agree with Caryn...she's trying to draw the line and not play favorites. I also agree with Caryn that the office staff could chip in on a group gift - just make sure you get to sign the card. Do not make her anything and do not throw her a shower. Instead, pass the shower/wedding time in your Sweat Shop. You will have more fun! (Well, I would have more fun, but then, I'm antisocial, LOL.)

Anonymous said...

I agree that you should follow whatever your office does in these situations.
I would not arrange an office shower unless asked to by someone who authorizes that type thing.
I would also not offer a gift.
She may feel awkward about it too.
But that's just my opinion and I'm sure you'll do the right thing for you.
Jazzysmama

yellowfarmhouse said...

Great responses here. I'm thinking it was probably a space issue. With my son's wedding a little over a year ago and us owning a business it was soooo hard on where to draw the line on invites and stay within the number of people we could invite. I would go with a joint office gift and leave it at that.

karen

Beth said...

I work for attorneys and I set myself a rule a long time ago that I don't do any gifting or party giving for any of my people. I have given a couple of quilts to a couple of my female attorneys who had babies, but for the most part, I do to do anything personal for them, I am just there to work for them. I don' think they expect it either. And I would say, she didn't invite you to her wedding, that sums it up right there.

Nancy said...

I must agree, no shower, no gift and a heartfelt Congrats when she returns to the office.

Michelle said...

Definitely no office shower, a joint gift if others want to go in on it.

quiltmom said...

HI Kim,
i think it depends what you would do for other people in your office when they get married or have babies.. We would get a group gift from our teaching staff when someone gets married.
As for whether I would get a gift- if I have a personal connection with that person then I would do and individual gift- if not I would contribute to the staff gift..
These are always complicated issues aren't they...
Regards,
Anna

quiltmom said...

HI Kim,
i think it depends what you would do for other people in your office when they get married or have babies.. We would get a group gift from our teaching staff when someone gets married.
As for whether I would get a gift- if I have a personal connection with that person then I would do and individual gift- if not I would contribute to the staff gift..
These are always complicated issues aren't they...
Regards,
Anna

Chocolate Cat said...

I'd be inclined to give a small gift and card of congratulations and perhaps leave the office shower unless someone else wants to organise it!

Erzebat said...

lots of good advise here. I learn along time ago, if they want you there at a special function, you would have received a invite. As far as throwing a office shower? That should be left to the people who were invited. You maybe work side by side with her and get along fine, but she would have invited you. you are under no obligation to throw a office shower. A small gift in her name, i.e. a quilt thru Linus Project would be enough. thats my story and Im sticking to it!
Keep On Stitch'n On!
(mauh) Liz

Thimbleanna said...

This whole wedding thing is difficult, having just gone through it. ;-) Perhaps she was limited on the people she could invite? We had that problem. Just today, one of the Drs. in the office that my son works with but who wasn't invited to the wedding gave him a gift. It's probably a little different for him though 'cause he'll be leaving and going to med school -- you might be seeing this girl for a long time? I think you should do what you WANT to do. If you're close to her then go for it. Otherwise, 5 years from now you might not even know who she is. Showers are a lot of work!

Red Geranium Cottage said...

Well if you want my two cents after all those suggestions here it is............ I would buy her a gift cause you do like her. But.......if she didnt invite you to the wedding then I would not throw her a shower. Someone who was invited should be throwing this shower. So ther ya go!!!

Sherry said...

I have to agree with Sharon here, if you weren't invited to the wedding, I hardly think you should be expected to throw a shower! Give a gift if you feel like it, or go in with the office on a gift, that should be enough. That's just my opinion.

BusyLittleQuilter said...

I agree with Sharon and Sherry.

Greenmare said...

no shower, totally way out of your range of must do's.
an office wedding gift would be appropriate, from the group not invited to the wedding, everyone throw in a few bucks and get a gift certificate to a restaurant or show or something.
there, done. go sew.

debijeanm said...

No shower, no gift. Maybe a card. Does Hallmark make a "No, you didn't invite me but I wish you the best anyway" card?

Nan said...

I agree with the others. I wouldn't do the shower for her, but I do like the idea of an office wedding gift for all the uninvited. I can't believe she didn't invite you - awkward!

Kelly E. said...

I think giving a gift should be up to what you feel, but not that you feel obligated. If that turns out to be an office gift, even better!

As for the shower, I agree with what others have said, if you would do it for others in your office, that you should do the same - whether you plan it or not (are you the closest to her at the office?).

As far as the non-invite, I wouldn't feel slighted in the least, it more than likely is size limitations, and maybe she felt obligated to invite the senior partners.