Warts And All

Well, yesterday's post struck a nerve among those of you stopping in to visit, and your comments were all over the place. You know, I struggled to write the post last night because what I wanted to convey was that I was very grateful for the things Hubby does for me and the thoughts behind his actions. What I don't like is what I see in myself--that certain something that seems to find fault in even the good things in life. I don't know if that came across to some of you.

I think many of us have men in our lives who don't always do exactly the right thing, but we appreciate the fact that they try. Some of us have men in our lives who get it right all the time. And some of us have men in our lives who don't try at all and don't care. But it really doesn't matter so much what we find in those around us but rather what we find in ourselves.

What I wrote, I wrote because I was being honest about myself and the fact that I'd like to somehow change that little voice inside my head that says something like "the roses are beautiful, and it was wonderful that he bought them, but after 29 years of marriage, why doesn't he know what color I like?" But I don't know how--no matter how much I tell myself it's unreasonable to expect perfection and that I should be happy with what I DO have, there's still that niggling little voice of doubt sometimes. And you know what? I think it might be insecurity and/or self-pity--the thought that maybe I'm just not good enough to inspire someone to remember or care about what I like or don't like. So, I don't know how to change that, but I'll need to think about it. Life is so much easier when you can just be happy all the time, isn't it?

One little insight I had in reading and thinking about all your comments was that many of us give other people what we want them to have, not what they truly would like. I guess an obvious example of that is the husband who buys his wife lacy lingerie as a gift. I do the same type of thing with Hubby--on gift occasions, I buy him clothes that I'd like to see him wear. Invariably he reverts to some goofy-looking, raggedy brew pub T-shirt and shorts that are too short, because that's what he's comfortable in. So, yeah, that's me imposing my idea of what Hubby should be--or should look like--on him; not me considering what Hubby would REALLY like. Just like Hubby giving me roses in a color HE liked, right?

I suppose my impending birthday started me thinking about gifts and such. I'm kind of odd about that--I don't like like getting gifts. I always feel awkward. If I could sit alone in a dark closet and open my birthday gifts, I'd be happy. Why is that? Another question about myself to ponder. I have gotten a little better with age though--at least there's that!

The comment from yesterday's post that I thought was kind of funny was one of the last ones that said something like--and I'm most definitely paraphrasing here--I should be grateful for the roses and not be publicly critical on my blog for all to read. Well jeez Louise! I have a BLOG. I tell people things. I'm not a very private, secretive person--as I think you've probably figured out. Most of you don't know me or Hubby personally, so what I tell you about my life has no more real impact on you--or us--than if you were reading a fictional story about someone. And for those of you who DO know us personally--well, you already know what we're like, what our relationship is like and how we interact, so you know I'm not trying to be mean here.

My life isn't perfect and neither am I. Most of the time, I try to keep my blog upbeat, but LIFE isn't always upbeat, and so sometimes there are other things to talk about. It's pretty unlikely that I'd write about anything Hubby, our kids, our family, or our friends and co-workers did just for the sake of complaining or whining about my life. That's not my style. But sometimes there are things going on in my life or thoughts that I may have that I want to explore and get your input about--for one thing, self-exploration and analysis and seeking input from others helps me grow as a person, I think.

So, thanks for commenting and letting me know what you thought and what your experiences have been. Obviously, we all have our own issues to deal with and we see things from different perspectives--and that's given me more to think about. What Amy R said in her comment really seemed to sum it all up:

"We are as we are, and they are as they are. . . . You aren't feeling this way out of malice, yet you feel it nonetheless. At the end of the day, we resolve to accept ourselves as we are and continue to strive to improve ourselves as best we can."