Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Warts And All

Well, yesterday's post struck a nerve among those of you stopping in to visit, and your comments were all over the place. You know, I struggled to write the post last night because what I wanted to convey was that I was very grateful for the things Hubby does for me and the thoughts behind his actions. What I don't like is what I see in myself--that certain something that seems to find fault in even the good things in life. I don't know if that came across to some of you.

I think many of us have men in our lives who don't always do exactly the right thing, but we appreciate the fact that they try. Some of us have men in our lives who get it right all the time. And some of us have men in our lives who don't try at all and don't care. But it really doesn't matter so much what we find in those around us but rather what we find in ourselves.

What I wrote, I wrote because I was being honest about myself and the fact that I'd like to somehow change that little voice inside my head that says something like "the roses are beautiful, and it was wonderful that he bought them, but after 29 years of marriage, why doesn't he know what color I like?" But I don't know how--no matter how much I tell myself it's unreasonable to expect perfection and that I should be happy with what I DO have, there's still that niggling little voice of doubt sometimes. And you know what? I think it might be insecurity and/or self-pity--the thought that maybe I'm just not good enough to inspire someone to remember or care about what I like or don't like. So, I don't know how to change that, but I'll need to think about it. Life is so much easier when you can just be happy all the time, isn't it?

One little insight I had in reading and thinking about all your comments was that many of us give other people what we want them to have, not what they truly would like. I guess an obvious example of that is the husband who buys his wife lacy lingerie as a gift. I do the same type of thing with Hubby--on gift occasions, I buy him clothes that I'd like to see him wear. Invariably he reverts to some goofy-looking, raggedy brew pub T-shirt and shorts that are too short, because that's what he's comfortable in. So, yeah, that's me imposing my idea of what Hubby should be--or should look like--on him; not me considering what Hubby would REALLY like. Just like Hubby giving me roses in a color HE liked, right?

I suppose my impending birthday started me thinking about gifts and such. I'm kind of odd about that--I don't like like getting gifts. I always feel awkward. If I could sit alone in a dark closet and open my birthday gifts, I'd be happy. Why is that? Another question about myself to ponder. I have gotten a little better with age though--at least there's that!

The comment from yesterday's post that I thought was kind of funny was one of the last ones that said something like--and I'm most definitely paraphrasing here--I should be grateful for the roses and not be publicly critical on my blog for all to read. Well jeez Louise! I have a BLOG. I tell people things. I'm not a very private, secretive person--as I think you've probably figured out. Most of you don't know me or Hubby personally, so what I tell you about my life has no more real impact on you--or us--than if you were reading a fictional story about someone. And for those of you who DO know us personally--well, you already know what we're like, what our relationship is like and how we interact, so you know I'm not trying to be mean here.

My life isn't perfect and neither am I. Most of the time, I try to keep my blog upbeat, but LIFE isn't always upbeat, and so sometimes there are other things to talk about. It's pretty unlikely that I'd write about anything Hubby, our kids, our family, or our friends and co-workers did just for the sake of complaining or whining about my life. That's not my style. But sometimes there are things going on in my life or thoughts that I may have that I want to explore and get your input about--for one thing, self-exploration and analysis and seeking input from others helps me grow as a person, I think.

So, thanks for commenting and letting me know what you thought and what your experiences have been. Obviously, we all have our own issues to deal with and we see things from different perspectives--and that's given me more to think about. What Amy R said in her comment really seemed to sum it all up:

"We are as we are, and they are as they are. . . . You aren't feeling this way out of malice, yet you feel it nonetheless. At the end of the day, we resolve to accept ourselves as we are and continue to strive to improve ourselves as best we can."

23 comments:

cockermom said...

You should never feel you are not worthy, we are ALL worthy! And it is your blog and you can say what you feel, I mean, that is the point of having a blog, right? Right! We all blow off on occasion. My last post was not a criticism but a reminder that there are a lot worse things out there.

ratherbquilting said...

Well I, for one, am very glad that you "keep it real" on your blog. I feel like I can relate, and that's what makes reading your blog so enjoyable. Yours is the first blog I read each day and it always gives me a lift. Sanitizing your blog by only posting happy, June-Cleaver-like comments would be like writing lies in your diary - why bother?

Anonymous said...

Right from your heart-gotta love that! Doris

BJ said...

Kim, you are open and honest - and that makes you somewhat vulnerable. Sometimes when we are not getting what we want in our own life, we are more critical of those who dare speak out about theirs. Please continue to write exactly as you have in the past - love the mix of quilt "stuff" and the sharing of your personal life!

Laura said...

I agree with ratherbquilting above that you shouldn't sanitize your blog. I enjoyed reading your post yesterday, and even though I didn't comment, it really made me think about how I do the same things. Especially when DH cooks, makes a mess, and then doesn't clean up the kitchen. I think it's ok to have thoughts like that, and I don't think you're alone in that in your relationship. At least I'm pretty sure my DH feels that way about me sometimes, too. Thanks for posting honestly like you do, I hope you continue.

Anonymous said...

Kim, I too thought it was surprising you would complain about your husbands choice of rose color. But we all think a little different. I would have wondered "why did he chose that color? Am I getting boring and need a new choice..." but we are different. I always like your upbeat blog as I know there are many times I don't think life is always sunshine and roses. But I want to live my life that way. I too have to talk myself into being that way on days because of the others that we must deal with day to day. So if someone tells me I'm a 'Pollyana', I don't care because it is a much nicer world to live in on some days. Stay the way you are, Happy! PattiO odonnell@cimtel.net

Nancy said...

Tried to comment yesterday, but it didn't get through cyberspace for some reason.
I agree with your post. I am the same way. Yesterday was my birthday. Once again I got a GC to the LQS. We went to dinner where he and the Rock Star wanted to go. My birthday cake? Coconut M&M's. LOL

The best gift he didn't give me? He brought home a huge see through plastic zipper tote bag. He works with prison personnel and his company gave them to the employees so they could use them to tote items into work. (at prisons, your purse has to be see-through). He brought one home for our daughter (she works as a nurse in a prison) and I STOLE IT!! He hadn't thought of me using it as a sewing item!! I now have three of them (yes she eventually got one) and I use them all the time. So he was very good at gift giving one time, he just didn't know it.....LOL

Orcsmom said...

Kim,
I agree with BJ. Also, I didn't note this yesterday, but when I read your blog, I knew exactly what you meant. You were not being malicious, just sounding off, and since this is Kim's Big Quilting Adventure, you are allowed to say whatever you want. I frankly was very surprise at some of the repsonses, that I actually closed your blog and waited to note my comment. It really upset me some of them. I was going to wait and tell you at class. So please, continue on sister! I am "hear" for ya! Love ya!

Pam

debijeanm said...

I can't tell you how grateful I am for your blog. I hope you'll always feel free to share whatever is on your mind or in your heart.

Anonymous said...

Kim,
Every morning the first thing I do is log onto your blog. I love your sense of humor and your quilts. I agree with the people who said not to sanitize your blog to be 100% happy all the time. That's not real life.
I know what you mean about hubby's gifts. Mine is the same way. I love him just as you love your guy. You could post a reply to the naysayers "It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!". Ha!

Molly in Sumner, WA
mollylivebearer@yahoo.com

Purple Pam said...

You said what many of us feel. I agree with both your posts. It is your blog to do with as you wish. I love my husband, but I have issues with things he does, or does not, do. I am sure he has issues with me and things I do or do not do. But that does not mean we care any less about each other. Sometimes we just have to fuss, and that is okay.

Heckety said...

I read today and yesterday is reverse order and couldn'e make out what the fuss was about at first. All I can think is that your husband seems to either have about twelve clones, or twelve other wives...bit dodgy I'd say...!!!
I don't see the harm in telling it how it is, its not like you are a 'whinger'!! Sometimes I think it helps to let off steam to people who are separate to you because that helps you cope and laugh away incidents or events which might otherwise make you blow a gasket. I know this from experience myself.
So!

Greenmare said...

feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.
I was told that many many moons ago when I was a cute little high school senior, and it has always stuck with me. (especially now that I am a not so cute, rather large mom and wife and everything else that I am)
my birthday is coming up too, should we get together and hide????

Anonymous said...

I make sure I read your blog everyday because of your honesty. Being honest is sometimes funny and sometimes serious, but it's true and that's what's important.
You are lucky to have a husband who loves you and tries to show you his love. He maynot know what he's doing, but he's honestly trying. And you appreciate his efforts and tell him so but you can't lie to yourself.

Anonymous said...

I have some funny stories regarding the gifts that my husband has given me e.g. the xmas that he gave me the exact same sweater as he gave me the year before.

Or the xmas that he forgot (don't ask me how) to give me the sewing machine that he purchased. I kept thinking all xmas day - what did I do wrong that he did not buy me that sewing machine that I wanted. He just forgot that it was still in the garage.

We laugh about these incidents now. But, as a whole, men just don't get the gift thing.

By the way, your blog is one of my favorites - love your writing style - often makes me laugh.

Thanks, Charlotte

Shasta said...

I think it is great that you put up the post. We do feel like that from time to time, and feel awful for not being grateful. And we hide out thoughts instead of admitting that we have them.

I do think that the flowers were meant to be special - a unique color so it isn't the same old color scheme you are used to getting.

DubiQuilts - Debbi said...

PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE and DO NOT CHANGE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!! I read your blog everyday even if I do not leave a comment. I LOVE what you have to say. My life, family, other half, and kids are not perfect and if they were what would I have to write about on my blog.

I will continue to read your blog day after day, laughing, crying or smiling with you along the path we call life!!!!!!!!!!!

Your blogging friend,
DubiQuilts - Debbi

quiltmom said...

Kim,
I think you already know that I love your blog- I always enjoy it because it reflects your love of life, a sense of fun and a willingness to share your ideas and opinions often in a very funny way.
Nancy of Blogging from Philadelphia wrote a piece not long ago about blogging and her guidelines about blogging you may be interested in reading (look for July 11th post)
http://nancynearphiladelphia.blogspot.com/
Nobody makes me write my blog and no one is required to read it. I am always puzzled why others feel the need to write negative things to someone when they disagree with the thoughts, feelings or opinions expressed by the blogger. Nancy talks a little bit about that and I liked what she had to say about her own personal guidelines.
We learn from one another and relationships with others are complicated things.
The only person who knows the intricacies of a relationship are the people who are in the relationship.
From an outsiders viewpoint, it strikes me like you and your spouse enjoy lots of good times together. Like all of us, you have your moments when you don't know what to do with your spouse- and I am sure vice versa. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate him or love him or want to trade him in for a better model... its just expressing your feelings at that time. There are lots of worse things that you could do to yourself or your relationship.
I will continue to read your blog because I enjoy reading it- I hope you continue to enjoy writing it just the way you always have. Thanks for your honesty, your great stories and your willingness to share your thoughts and opinions. Long may it continue.
Warmest regards,
Anna

Gran said...

Oh Honey - Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars, and you nailed it on the head in your own words.

A long time ago I learned that -

I need to accept circumstances/challenges/people BUT I do not have approve of them.

There is a difference and it has taken me my life time to refine it into my life. AND I sometimes just can't make it happen in my head, especially if my feels are hurt or someone has pushed my button.

That along with a few other things has helped me keep my sanity and it gives me permission to come out the other side of my feelings and move on. Like you I ponder and don't go around whining about everything, Yet, when I catch myself starting to think what's the matter with me, or I should be ..., or does he love me enough to remember.... I try, and I mean try to remember he is from another planet, I need to accept him and then the magic of the next part, I do not have approve, allows me my feelings and I can move on. (Note: he is oblivious to any of this......)

I see you doing some good heathy processing Kim and you will get to the other side of things like you wrote about in your blog. You are courageous, to share, your honest thoughts and feelings. I admire you. I'll walk with you sister and not judge you. I get what you are doing and you are fine by me.

I love your quilting talent, dragged your Cherry Delight into my class and shared with my Knot-y Embroidery Ladies just today. I love your humor and it is a rare day I don't read your blog and enjoy the Big Adventure you are on. You have made a difference in my life and changed it for the better. Let's walk together.

Well, that is my 2 cents worth for tonight.

See you in the funny pages toots.

Julia S. said...

Still happy to be your friend.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen in NY said...

Hi Kim! I didn't comment yesterday but I thought about what you wrote...to me it was pretty obvious that you definitely appreciate your husband's efforts. In fact you explicity said that! You don't have to LOVE everything you get...even if you love the giver! And it's apparent that you and your husband have a great relationship. It's your blog, don't change a thing!

Patty said...

If they only want to read fun, cute quilty things...they should find another blog!! Heaven knows there are plenty out there to choose from. This is your blog. A place to write about your thoughts and your feelings. None of us are perfect, we all are flawed. I've had the same thoughts and feelings about many of my husband's gifts over the last 34 years. Like you, I to struggle with trying to be glad about receiving them (What-you didn't want a rifle for our 25th anniversary?). It was comforting to read your thoughts about his gifts. Made me realize I wasn't alone. Thanks for that. Please keep writing whatever you want. No one is holding my lovely Winchester anniversary rifle to their heads and forcing them to read it!!!!